Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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