I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Less talking, more tequila
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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