atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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