This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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