i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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