If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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