Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
