he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
