had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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