The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
