Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Terrible idea I love it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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