The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He better not be in your backpack
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
