I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
