my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
