I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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