Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
