I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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