i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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