my vag is so smooth its legendary
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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