I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
