Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
