i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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