OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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