so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
