Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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