Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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