Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
