I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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