if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
