The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
