mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
