Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
