So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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