Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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