i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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