Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
