6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
