Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
