i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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