My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
