There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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