look no pants
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
