I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
