I think my fart just growled at me.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
