My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
