I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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