I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
