Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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