I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
