i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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